Thursday, November 29, 2007

2007 WTA Review



The time has come. (Thoughts and words brought to you free of charge...)

=STUDENT COUNCIL=
CLASS PRESIDENT: Justine Henin (turning dirty water into wine)
VICE PRESIDENT: Jelena Jankovic (customarily, behind La Petit Taureau)
PRESIDENT PRO TEMPORE: Ana Ivanovic

CO-VALEDICTORIANS: Venus & Serena Williams (whenever they're present and in good health)

CO-SALUTATORIANS: Daniela Hantuchova & Marion Bartoli (meeting up in the Top 10 after very different journeys)
CLASS TREASURER: Maria Sharapova (itching to move back up the WTA ladder)
SCHOOL SPIRIT COORDINATORS: Svetlana Kuznetsova, Anna Chakvetadze, Nadia Petrova & Elena Vesnina

VOICE FROM ON HIGH: Roger Federer (exciting Svetlana Kuznetsova, but not inspiring her to Swiss Mister-esque results in finals)
DEPOSED EX-MDE. PRESIDENT: Amelie Mauresmo (still healing, and admiring her diamond racquet)

DETENTION MONITOR (somewhat voluntarily): Martina Hingis
THE NEW/OLD KID (after having served her time): Sesil Karatantcheva

"I'm definitely in better shape than I get credit for. It's just because I have large knockers and I have a big ass... I was just in the lockerroom staring at my body, and I'm like, 'Am I really not fit? Or is it just because I have all these extra assets that I look not fit?' I think if I were not to eat for two years, I still wouldn't be a size two. We're living in a Mary-Kate Olsen world. I'm just not built that way. I'm bootylicious, and that's how it's always going to be." - Serena, during her Australian Open title run


=FACULTY, STAFF & DEPARTMENT HEADS=
CAMPUS DEAN: Lindsay Davenport (now accepting bids from contractors for that adjacent-to-the-office baby nursery)
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR: Rainer Hoffman (for Patty, naturally, as well as just about any other Pussycat Dolls-wannabe who asks, apparently)
TENURED PROFESSOR: Elena Dementieva (still Punch-Sober, and not quite ready to leave the party)
HEAD TENNIS COACH/FATHER FIGURE: Carlos Rodriguez
HEAD TENNIS COACH/FATHER/DOCTOR: Walter Bartoli
(GARBLED) COMMUNICATION DIRECTOR: Patty Schnyder (there seems to be a bit of white noise here... or am I confusing the situation with that of the OTHER Swiss player in the Top 20?)
COMMENCEMENT KEYNOTE SPEAKER: Marion Bartoli (Speech title: "James Bond and You: Using 007 to Achieve Your Life Goals")
SCHOOL OF BUSINESS: Venus Williams

AMERICANIZED HISTORY: Liezel Huber (formerly head of "South African Studies" division), with Cara Black ably providing a Zimbabwe-centered alternate take on things from the back of the room
FRENCH: Virginie Razzano (despite Venus' attempts to veto her appointment)
CHINESE: Shuai Peng (position now in question due to future absence of Michael Chang)
SPANISH: Anabel Medina-Garrigues (looks like no one else applied for the job)
ITALIAN: Francesca Schiavone (now with a title... err, I mean "diploma" on her office wall)
FASHION (for the blind): Bethanie Mattek (seriously, what was she thinking?)

WELL-PLANNED PARENTHOOD: Sybille Bammer
BRITISH LITERATURE-101: Nicole Vaidisova (Jelena, ask her to explain why Justine is your personal white whale)
SCHOOL OF ARTS, DRAMA: Serena Williams

SCHOOL OF ARTS, MUSIC: Vania King (Simon Cowell says, "You're going to Hollywood, V.)
SCHOOL OF ARTS, DANCE: "Dancing" star Iva Majoli (following in the fancy footsteps of Alicia Molik)
WORLD RELIGIONS (and being NYC faves): Shahar Peer & Sania Mirza
POLITICAL SCIENCE: Lisa Raymond (not blaming Samantha's body, nor Liezel's new citizenship, for "robbing" her of the title of best American doubles player)
PSYCHOLOGY: Daniela Hantuchova (sometimes a ball is just a ball, and realizing that leads to more titles... even if it took five years to complete the intellectual journey)
SELF-PUBLISHING: Kim Clijsters (Isn't publishing your fans' letters a little like writing your own praising blurb for the dust jacket of your novel?)
(Still?) DELAYED RETIREMENT PLANNING: Jennifer Capriati
SEX ED: Sesil Karatantcheva, back in '08 following a two-year involuntary sabbatical (first lecture topic title: "I Know You Like Me. I Know You Do. Don't Cha Wish Your Girlfriend was Hot Like Me? Don't Cha Wish Your Girlfriend was a Freak Like Me? Don't Cha?")

YEARBOOK PHOTOGRAPHER/MODEL:

Tatiana Golovin (more than just a hip-huggers sort of gal)

"It's been more than fun, but the racquets are hung up." - Kim Clijsters, after Warsaw, heading into retirement


=JUNIOR/SENIOR PROM COMMITTEE=
PROM QUEEN: Agnes Szavay

LADY-IN-WAITING: Victoria Azarenka
JUNIOR QUEEN: Urszula Radwanska
QUEEN'S COURT: Agnieszka Radwanska, Lucie Safarova, Tamira Paszek, Michaella Krajicek, Caroline Wozniacki, Kateryna Bondarenko, Aravane Rezai, Vera Dushevina, Olga Govortsova, Ioana-Raluca Olaru, Alla Kudryavtseva Sorana Cirstea, Aleksandra Wozniak
JUNIOR QUEEN'S COURT: Alize Cornet, Ksenia Milevskaya, Madison Brengle, Mariana Duque Marino, Kristina Kucova, Ayumi Morita, Polona Hercog, Monica Niculescu, Katarzyna Piter, Oksana Kalashnikova, Bojana Jovanovski, Nikola Hofmanova
PARTY-CRASHERS: Yung-Jan Chan & Chia-Jung Chuang
BANGING ON THE AUDITORIUM DOORS: Sesil Karatantcheva
HOME WISHING TO BE BIG, JUST LIKE HER SISTER (hold your Hungarian horses, girl): Blanka Szavay

YEARBOOK GRAFFITI: "I'm walkin' here! I'm walkin' here! Have a nice offseason... and wait 'ti you see me next year, boy" - Agnes


=CLASS FAVORITES=
MOST WELL-LIKED: Justine Henin (okay, this is Backspin's personal choice... but at least it's not quite as lonely in this corner as it was a year ago)
MOST WELL-LIKED, AFTER LIMITED EXPOSURE: "La Trufflette" Marion Bartoli
MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED: Agnes Szavay (having the belief in self is half the battle)
HOTTEST "HOTTIE": Maria Sharapova (under Extreme Heat Conditions)

CUTEST ACCENT: Anna Chakvetadze
PERSONALITY PLUS: Jelena Jankovic
PERSONALITY MINUS: Rafael Font de Mora (Anna-Lena's choice)
QUIETEST: Amelie Mauresmo's "year after" (excluding the blinged-up racquet, of course)
HEARTBREAKER: Julia Vakulenko's ailing body, which let her down at all the wrong times
MOST ADMIRED: Althea Gibson, several decades late... but still

MOST GLAD TO HAVE CLOSER TO BEING BACK IN FORM: Alicia Molik
MOST FLEXIBLE: Jelena Jankovic (Kim's understudy makes good... NOW what's Clijsters' legacy?)

MOST MISSED (due to illness): Nicole Vaidisova
MOST MISSED (due to... well, take your pick from a lost list): Anastasia Myskina
MOST MISSED (due to "other"): Sesil Karatantcheva
MOST LIKE A SIBLING, IN A FRUSTRATING WAY: Dinara Safina
MOST LIKE A SIBLING, IN A GOOD WAY:

Michaella Krajicek (Richard, circa 1996 at SW19)... maybe some day

"I felt like I was playing against a guy, the way her serves were coming at me. It's sometimes scary, and when she starts to scream, I'm like, 'Come on.' She's quite a powerful, big girl." - Jelena Jankovic, after losing to Ana Ivanovic in the Los Angeles SF


=RUSSIAN CLUB=
CHAIRWOMAN: Anna Chakvetadze
ASSISTANT TO THE CHAIRWOMAN: Anna Pavlyuchenkova (still learning the ropes)
THE NEXT BIG THING?: Maria Kirilenko (maybe there IS more Sharapova in her than Kournikova, after all)

MAYBE NOT THE NEXT BIG THING?: Olga Poutchkova (though at least she was talked off the ledge in the season's final weeks)
AT A CROSSROADS: Nadia Petrova
STAR-CROSSED: Anastasia Myskina (apparently, the Czarina and ice skates do not mix)
CURSED (by Mr. Spiker & Monsieur Cantin): Maria "Even the Supernova Isn't Immune" Sharapova
RESURRECTED IN MOSCOW: Elena Dementieva
M.I.A.: Elena Bovina
BEST SISTER: Yaroslava Shvedova (Pavel's pride and joy, as well as a first-time tour champion in' 07)
VETERAN: Nadia Petrova (had a better season than you realize, but the career goal window is closing fast)
(World) TEAM (Tennis) COORDINATOR: Elena Likhovtseva

WANNABE TV PRODUCER: Maria Sharapova (Hmmm... a series set behind the scenes of the women's tennis tour. I wonder where she got THAT idea?)
TEACHER'S PET: Svetlana Kuznetsova (does Professor Federer like apples?)
MOST UNFAIRLY ACCUSED: Anastassia Rodionova
WOMAN TO GO TO FOR ALL YOUR TENNIS BETTING NEEDS: Olga Poutchkova, who said in '06 that she was surprised that surprise '07 Wimbledon finalist Marion Bartoli hadn't yet won a grand slam
ITF PRINCESSES: Anna Lapushchenkova, Alisa Kleybanova, Regina Kulikova, Evgeniya Linetskaya, Natalia Orlova, Anastastia Pivovarova, Galina Fokina, Evgeniya Rodina

NextGEN HORDETTES: Vera Dushevina, Alla Kudryavtseva & Vasilisa Bardina

"It's tough being Mother Teresa and playing tennis at the same time." - Maria Sharapova


=HONOR SOCIETY ROLL CALL=
HARD COURT PLAYER OF THE YEAR: Justine Henin
CLAY COURT PLAYER OF THE YEAR: Justine Henin
GRASS COURT PLAYER OF THE YEAR: Venus Williams
INDOOR PLAYER OF THE YEAR: Justine Henin
FED CUP PLAYER OF THE YEAR: Svetlana Kuznetsova

=SCHOOL SPIRIT SECTION=
*ALL-BEAUTIFUL*
Good Tatiana

=============================
Steffi Graf, for generously forgiving Andre for accidentally hitting her in the face with that racquet during a fundraiser game (and by "generous," of course, I mean he'll only be making it up to her until the end of 2008, at the earliest)
=============================
Two Hungarians, Agnes Szavay and designer Marta Makany, making great fashion music together

=============================
Jelena Jankovic's honesty after taking the Justine-less Rome event ("You know why I won? Because Henin didn't come.")
=============================
Elena Vesnina's WTA website bio photo

=============================
Bud Collins, hired by ESPN and Tennis Channel for grand slam coverage
=============================
Justine Henin's 9-0 career record vs. Jelena Jankovic
=============================
Madonna... err, I mean Lindsay... and child

=============================
Equal prize money
=============================
Sharapova's "Swan Lake" dress, the most elegant outfit of the season

=============================
Arantxa Sanchez Vicario in the Hall of Fame

=============================
Corporal Shahar and Princess Sania's NYC support during the U.S. Open
=============================
Mauresmo's $1.3 million diamond-encrusted racquet prize from Antwerp
=============================
Justine, after playing the exciting Austrian teenager, saying Tamira Paszek is a future Top 5 player
=============================
"The Party Planner" putting an end to the charade, and going into self-imposed permanent exile. She will be missed around these parts...even if it's not exactly for all the "right" reasons. Still, the wedding dress is very nice.

=============================

YEARBOOK GRAFFITI: "Hey, if you don't like my dancing, then stick it. See you next year, T." - A-Rad


*ALL-UGLY*
"Bad" Tatiana... red knickers are more than just red knickers when they're red at Wimbledon

=============================
That after ASV and Conchita Martinez, no great Spanish female player ever emerged, while the men produced the likes of Nadal, Ferrer, etc.
=============================
Sharapova's performance against Serena in the Australian Open final
=============================
Sharapova's performance against Agnieszka Radwanska in the U.S. Open 3rd Round
=============================
Sharapova's serve... other than in Melbourne, San Diego and Madrid
=============================
Serena's Miami heckler
=============================
Martina Hingis' final career headlines (until further notice, at least)
=============================
The Chinese Fed Cup team eligibility rules misinterpretation
=============================

All right, maybe "ugly" isn't fair. Maybe "unnecessary" would work better? But, really, Mattek's "Bethanie's Secret"-styled outfit was just further proof that what she really craves most is attention. Actually, with all the eye-rolling fun she causes to abound at the slams each year, maybe she should be listed on the "All-Beautiful" list, too.
=============================
Jelena Jankovic's 0-9 career record vs. Justine Henin
=============================
Amelie's alliterative appendicitis absense
=============================
Bud Collins, fired by NBC
=============================

"She made a lot of lucky shots." - Serena Williams, after losing to Justine Henin at the U.S. Open, making it three straight defeats at the hands of the Belgian in the 2007 grand slams


*AnaIvo... umm, just because*


YEARBOOK GRAFFITI: "All is forgiven, T ...and you can't do anything about it. (Evil Belgian Laugh) Keep being U." - Kim


=ALL BACKSPIN WANTS BY CHRISTMAS 2008=
Singles semifinals featuring two Bondarenkos and two Radwanskas
=============================
FINALLY... that long-awaited Sharapova vs Vaidisova match
=============================
Something named for Martina Navratilova and/or Chris Evert on the grounds of the USTA Billie Jean King National Tennis Center
=============================
A legit reason to not have to resist Sesil for much longer. It's just more fun to have her around.
=============================
That no one makes some crass "have a Coke and a smile" joke about Martina Hingis

(Oh... oops. Sorry. Bad Backspin.)
=============================
A happier Girl Friday. Hang in there, Anna-Lena.
=============================
For Jelena Dokic to have the get-up-and-go to get up and go back to the court the morning after her first disappointing loss in her latest comeback attempt
=============================
For Justine Henin to attempt to defend her Olympic Gold medal, and not have to skip out on Beijing because of the effect the pollution might have on her asthma
=============================
Again, just like last year, for a tennis player to appear on the American version of "Dancing with the Stars" (Anna K.? Jennifer? Chrissie?)
=============================
The WTA's year-ending championships being shown on a real tennis network soon (seriously... Versus?)
=============================
Speaking of... as much slam coverage from the Tennis Channel as humanly possibly. The network's debut production at Roland Garros was the best rookie season in memory.
=============================
That AnaIvo doesn't inherit the Clijsters tag of being "too nice" to win as many slams as she should, and ultimately fulfills her vast potential
=============================
A full year of good health for at least one Williams sister
=============================
One more run at a slam final for Nadia Petrova
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A balled-up fist and a fighting attitude from Martina Hingis in an attempt to clear her name for posterity
=============================
A Szeason of Szavay
=============================

"For the first time in my life, I feel at peace." - Justine Henin


Res Ipsa Loquitur. All for now.



PAST YEARBOOKS: 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006

2007 SEASON REVIEW EDITIONS OF WTA BACKSPIN:
..........Tennisrulz Awards nominations
.........How Smart We Were / How Dumb We Were
.........Intriguing Answers: Scratching an Itch
.........2008 Revolving Doors
.........Intriguing Answers: The Top 20
.........2007 WTA Backspin Awards

3 Comments:

Blogger Kissmyass said...

still attacking kim clijsters...blah blah blah...still attacking. it really baffles me why those idiotic henin fans profess to hate kim SO much, but are always first hand with all her news. obssessive much?

Fri Nov 30, 03:32:00 AM EST  
Blogger Todd Spiker said...

Yeah, aren't all "those" obcessive people annoying. :)

(Psst... someone check to see if KMA has any mirrors in the house. I'm thinking no.)

Anyway, didn't ya hear, Kim wrote in my yearbook that she forgives me. :D

Fri Nov 30, 09:05:00 AM EST  
Blogger R.C. French said...

Hey, that was a great read, a lot of fun. And it's gonna be a lot of fun when Sesil Karatantcheva starts playing on the tour again, I can't wait.

Fri Nov 30, 05:35:00 PM EST  

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